I was on my lap top going through 'my documents' and deleting things I no longer need or want and ran across a document I made last year, Marriage 101. I read it over and thought I would like to post this.
December 24, 1969 my husband Neil and I were married in the Mesa Arizona Temple for time and all eternity, Well, this Friday we will celebrate '41' years. As I read over my list from last year I would only add one thing....it's at the end of this post! :o)
Marriage 101- What I have learned in the past 40 years of marriage
1-Peace of Mind-Some things you just have to 'let go' of instead of hanging onto them like a 200-pound concrete block of weight that will not save you but will make you sink faster into despair. I'm still working on that one, but now I 'swim' instead of sink! There is so much freedom in just 'letting go'!
2-Trust-That's a big one! Learning to trust in your spouse, yourself and God. You have to have all three! Trust is like a life preserver, it keeps you safe! A house divided will not stand. When you 'trust' in each other your marriage is protected!
3-Fear-A devastating word! Fear can destroy peace of mind! When I was younger, I was fettered by fears. Fear of having enough money, paying bills, buying food, medical expenses, stormy weather and the list goes on and on. (Hmmm, I don't like snow, ice, tornadoes, hurricanes and high wind-still working on the weather one!) When you stamp out fear, it sure makes life livable! Sometimes you have to compromise what you put into your basket! Will this fear help me or hurt me? Is it really worth investing into this fear? Probably not. Years ago my dad used to tell me 'Why are you wasting time fretting about...problem...and expending all that energy? It's a waste of time and energy and health!' He was right!
4-Confidence (faith)-Believing in yourself gives you confidence that 'Yes, iI can do it!' Those of you who have young children know this...kids are so full of confidence! You sometimes impede their growth because you don't think they can do certain things and then they turn that around and 'beg to please do that thing!' Let them do it and they usually come out on top! You can remember those times yourself when you were growing up. "Mom or dad won't let me do such and such because they say I'm too little, too young, not strong enough, etc. Somehow, later down the road to adulthood, we lose that confidence and fear and self doubt creep in and destroy that confidence! Get a big broom and sweep doubt and fear away and take a big dose of 'confidence' and find out what happens! It's liberating!
5-Positive Attitude-Having a 'positive attitude' is looking at the glass 'half full' not half empty. It takes more facial muscles to frown that it does to 'smile'! :o) It keeps me sane to 'be thankful and have gratitude in my heart' when things are not so great. An old adage 'things could be worse' or living in someone else's shoes that are worse off than you are. I complained and wanted new shoes until I saw a man with no feet, etc. That old rascal Satan plants discouragement so effectively. By golly, no sirree! I will NOT give in to being negative! I sometimes feel a little down, everybody does. The key is not to stay there! Give yourself a boot where it counts and get moving! Dad for the most part has always been positive. Just before we moved from Hawaii ten years ago I had never seen him so down and in tears one night. He never brought work with its problems home with him. But things were changing at work (his job was secure) and this one particular time it all hit at one and he was down. We are in this marriage together and I was his cheerleader and things worked out and then we moved to back to the mainland! His dad and his brother were also suffering from cancer at that time too. I look at Kirsten and she is such a tower of strength. She rarely complains. She takes in everything that happens to her as if it is just part of living and she just takes it and keeps on ticking! When I don't feel good, I sure can grumble with the best of them! On the whole I would rather be positive than negative. Nobody likes to keep company with a grumbler! Always leave people feeling better about themselves than when you first talked to them. When they walk away happy it makes you both feel better!
5-Positive Strokes-They are like stroking a pet cat or dog and they purr and wag their tail with happiness and love! When you give yourself and your spouse positive strokes' it builds confidence, trust and peace of mind and man, things just get better! Never speak ill of your spouse and tear them down, because you are doing the same things to yourself. I am guilty at times saying a negative remark about your dad because I think he should conform to my way of thinking on a particular item. Hmmm, I need to improve on that and I'm doing better. After 40 years, you put, compromise or shut up! When you become self absorbed and independent, you grown apart instead of 'becoming one.'
6-Being one- I can tell you that after 40 years of marriage, it takes work every single day! Satan never takes a day off, a holiday or vacation. He works very hard to make people miserable! When you 'serve your spouse' and say 'thank you' and truly love your spouse each and every single day, it keeps you from becoming self absorbed and selfish. You become selfless. If you become self absorbed, why do people stay married?! They twain shall become one flesh. Invest in each other and have a long life and happy marriage! When things look like they are getting rough, it usually means someone is being selfish. When you point the finger of scorn, remember three fingers are pointing back at yourself! It's hard when you have children at home and babies to take care of. If you do not nurture your spouse, they can find happiness elsewhere. As mothers we take on a lot of the personal child raising. It's true! Dads are always busy. But take time for each other. You are a family and need each other and spouses really need some 'one on one' time. Kids can wait for a few minutes! Children are wonderful! They make life exciting! However, they are quite good at keeping parents busy and involved with their wants and not so interested in their parents needs. Set some boundaries, rules and guidelines!
7-Communication!- Wow! That's probably the most important element of marriage! If you are not communicating feelings, life, job, family, etc. watch out! A rift starts out like a crack and then one day you are on opposite sides of your marriage. Be the bigger person and just apologize and move on! Being 'right' isn't worth a hill of beans! Being ' in love' is worth millions! Don't say things that you'll later regret and will be hard to take back. Like feathers on your doorstep that blow away in the wind, they don't come back.
8-Sense of humor-Having a sense of humor is like magic! it helps relieve tension. It's healthy and rewarding! It's much more fun to laugh than cry!
Now, it's 41 years this year and I agree with everything I wrote last year and I would only add '1' more thing...Don't' give up! Keep on trying! :o)
Merry Christmas! Remember to put Christ into this season!
This is my mother Jane. She loved to sew and sewed all her outfits. She is about age 75 in this picture.
